since my last chapter that i have written its been about 3 months since then so i guess i have acouple things i can share now that more time has passed.
Recently i had heard that i wouldnt be moving to florida this month and just hope it will be soon as the longer we wait for it to happen the more time ill spend without being with the person i love the most. we currently have been figuring out how to get all this done but no luck yet. so all i can do is pray and hope it comes soon.
now that its becoming closer to thanksgiving the closer it is that ill have to go back to winsconsin to visit my grandma for thanks giving. so im hoping that when i go up there that i dont see my cousin and if i do and he trys to talk to me or start a fight or something with me then ill probably have some type of fight going on. it will most likly be the 8+ years of torture.
that will realease all at once on him. the only reason im going to my grandmas is becouse you never know when it will be the last time to see someone you know thats that old and that has health problems. other wise i would never go back up there. and i just recently found out that he also tryed but failed at doing the same thing but to a relitive of mine.
As I wait in my apartment I can’t stop thinking of how I’m going back to the one place that brought me so much pain. I just keep feeling how the only time I felt safe when I was in Wisconsin was when ever I was with my grandma. We use to go shopping all the time and she would buy me what ever I wanted if it was a toy and she would teach me how to play rummy and we would play that every night until the last two years that I have been up there.
I’m hoping that I can find my safety net while I’m up there as I don’t know how I will react if I see my cousin again exapeally if he tried talking to me or effers me a four wheeler ride. I been thinking about this week for the last month and how to cope with it all.
but the only thing I could think of is brining a stuffed animal or something to be with since I’ll mostly be alone to avoid talking and being around people as it will be a hard time for me to deal with since I’m the only one that has a fear of going back to Wisconsin that and the dentist but that could be a story for some other time tho.
As I wait at my brothers house for thanks giving the more the time goes by the more people start building up in the house. So far no site of my cousin in the house so every time the door open I start getting a mini heart attack. The only person I can talk to is most likely asleep or busy with school work.
As I ride back home on the 6hr ride home all I could do was sleep or reed my book on my phone. But as soon as I got home I remembered leaving a few thing in Wisconsin and am thinking that I can get them next time I go back.
I go to stuff my clean cloth into my clean hamper as I was to lazy to refold them and headed directly to my friends house where we are now eating pizza then started to watch the movie jackass.
The next day is November 30th and I go on Facebook when I wake up seeing if there was anything interesting and there usually isn’t but I noticed I had a notification and looked at it in disbelief. The notification was juliets birthday for yesterday. My heart sunk seeing that it was yesterday and she never told me last night that it was her birthday.
All I could do is text her and wait for a answer why and as I wait and think about why she never told me all I could think of is that I let her down in some way or did something to deserve it. And the more I thought about the worst possible thing the sadder and more depressed I got.
15 minutes later I receive a call from her letting me know that it’s nothing I have done. It was because she thought I knew but now we got everything straightened out we talked about sharks and sting rays and fishing but she had to leave and go with her dad. During that day I watch my usual cartoons and send her a msg every once in a while seeing how she it and what she’s doing.
As the month goes by I get more depressed. Just recently I had to go to the hospital as my back was sore and hurting. What they could tell was that I had a torn muscle and now I can’t lay down or breath deeply as every breath feels like a sharp sting. Now that I can’t help with the paper route till I can sit up without hurting I have to stay home and can’t really do anything.
As I watch tv all I can think about is how depressing this month will be for me. Since most winters is depressing to me I just can’t stop thinking how much I wish I could be in Florida already, away from this cold weather.
A few weeks has passed and I couldn’t sleep. Earlier I was watching movies then decided to give my cat some attention for a while as I was petting him he bit the top off head then I realized that I take care of him but yet he betrays me. Which then in that instance I remember my pervious girlfriend who has betrayed me by going out with someone else just becouse he started working at her work place.
After 4 months of me getting over her she wants to get back with me and I declined saying I can’t take the pain again and that I couldn’t accept her request. After all all the time we were going out she wouldn’t hold my hand or anything so how can I trust someone that wouldn’t let me do the simplest of things as holding hands or even a hug?
Then after that I have remembered something that I have forgotten for years. The one most important memory that is hold have remembered all my life but have forgotten a year after it happened. While I was in kindergarden I fell in love with this girl and she loved me to we would always hang out and hold hands to every class we walked to together or at least I think we did but the one thing I remember is that. She was slightly on the large side and was the same height as me.
The one thing I remembered about her the most was how she always protected me against other people. During this time frame everything in my life then was the best time in my life. I was innocent and had someone I could hold onto when ever I needed too but then I think to my self the one question that should mean the most to me. What was her name? As I think about this tears start rolling down my eyes as I have forgotten the one person that have protected me before all the bad stuff started happening to me. As I get more emotional I pound my fist into my bed and bang the back on my head against the wall as hard as I could about 4 times.
As I realize I won’t ever remember her name or won’t ever see her again all I can think of is does she remember me or my name if she does remember me and my name there’s still a chance that she could find me then I could say thanks for being by my side back then. As I end this paragraph for the night all I can think of is mabey she’ll read this part of my story and realize that it’s me but I have my doubts about that kind of stuff.
A few days after 2015 starts I started not being able to sleep like I use to. The more I thought about stuff that is happening around me that I’m not part of the more depressed and unrational I become with my thoughts and judgment on things making them worse then what they really are. I don’t know if it’s because of family missing my birthday party or that friends and family are having there own parties and I have no ideas when or where they are just seems to me that I have been forgotten about but I know it’s not true.
It’s most likely I did something for them not to want me to be around or something it could be because of this story revealing my past on the bad stuff that happened to me leading up to me being bi and a abdl. I believe it’s one of those things that turn my family and friends away from me as soon as they know the real me. Sometimes I wish I knew what to do to show that I’m not some sort of freak or weird person. I guess it’s just how my life is suppose to go.
For about a week I had my best friend at my apt while he was in town and am great-full that he’s still my friend after everything we went though and what he knows about me and what I know about him. Even tho me and him can get physical with each other it’s all for fun it’s never out of anger.
It’s Saturday night and I decide to dye my hair blue. I get it all bleached and start adding the dye and combing it though so it evens it self out. As soon as I was finished after waiting a hour and 20mins I began to wash my hair at the end of washing up and laying down for the night my scalp and part of my ears and forehead is covered in blue dye. Now I relive I shouldn’t have bleached my hair and just put streaks in my hair but hair always grows back so I’m letting my hair stay like this till summer. Then might get it all shaved off for when it’s hot out then Re-grow my hair out and dye it black or have black with red streaks but I’ll go to a salon for it next time. Mabey then it’ll look good without having the dye all over.
As time goes by and it becomes the 3rd month of the year it seems like life has been going by to fast. As I sit and think about the future the more depressed I get about thinking what if nothing goes right in my life what if I can’t live with her or what if something bad happens where one of us gets hurt or something worse. But as time goes by so does our communication. It’s not like what it seemed like it use too. If anything it’s mabey 5% of what it use to be when we talked.
But besides the stuff that deals with my future and thinking about her. I start to become more calmer about my past as I haven’t been thinking much about it lately. I’m hoping that soon I’ll forget all about it and move on.
As February ends and March begins its still cold with know all over by now it’s suppose to be nice outside. As the year passes by it seems to pass by more then last year. Soon time will be going
by so fast that soon life will cease to exist and a new generation will be taking over.
This is a life story written by Bigbaby. He send me a message and ask me if i could post his life story on my blog and i decide to do that so thats way you find his life story on this blog.
If you want to send him a e-mail or talk whit him on Facebook you find him here: https://www.facebook.com/bigbaby.abdl and his e-mail is bigbabyadbl @ yahoo.com