This is a seris of stories that have happned to me in my life.
Should a child have to go though such things in life to end up where they are now or should someone step in to help? But to step in and help that child must help themselves by saying something to someone first.
But even then who will that person they told stick up for the child or the abuser(s)?
What is life to a child?
If I knew then what I know now certain things would be different.
If I would have said something back then would I have gotten my help or would I be ignored is what I think of a lot .
Will I ever find someone that I can trust and they can have trust in me? I believe I currently have someone I can look froward to meeting in the future but only time can tell what’s going to happen to me.
STORY Part 1 what life has become:
WARNING GRAFICAL, SOME STORIES MIGHT NOT BE IN THE RIGHT ORDER AS THESE ARE MEMORIES THAT COME TO ME AS I WRITE.
Might not be appropriate for some people. May contain underage sexuality, abuse, violence, other extreme situations.
this story is going to be from past events in my life. its mostly from my childhood and hope this story will help people tell there story too. if this story has either changed on how you think or helped you in any way share this with others you know.the reason why im writing this is to show people there not alone and there others that been to similer things like i have been though.
I know this story might seem like its nothing but negitive stuff but im going to make a chapter for the good tiems in my life becouse for ever good time there was there was a bad time.
From when I was only 8 years old I have always feared to go to my grandparents’ house. Especially when my cousin came for the day. Witch was every single day that we visited. Out of the whole year we would spend a about 25-30 days at my grandparents’ house so that was a lot for me. I always dreaded going on a four-wheeler ride with my cousin ever since the first time he took me. I still can feel and see what is being happen from all those years of being used like someone’s toy. When my parents noticed I have been having bad grades and have been keeping to myself all the time in my room they never asked why I was feeling so down and messing up in school.
They just said it was because I was mentally retarted. Even when I was feeling like this they still had me go to my grandparents’ house every year for 8 years that’s 8 months’ worth of days that I was getting abused and being used as someone’s sex toy by a relative. It was never anal and I thank god it wasn’t it was always oral. He would wait till everyone left and take me out into the middle of the forest where no one would hear us or see us. He always went way to fast witch always scared me because I would think we would crash but we never did.
After we got to where he wanted to be he would always tell me to touch him and it was for school but after he was sick and tired of that he would have me put my mouth around him. And he would always urinate in my mouth making me drink it. Then he would do his thing and he would always say if you want to make this stuff too (mean sperm witch I had no idea what it was back then) all I had to do is spit on mine and rub it and the spit will turn into it too make it.
After we got back to my grandparents’ house he usually left right away I guess so then he wouldn’t have to be nervous in front of other people and questioning it. I never got sick or a bad stomach even after what he did to me I think if I did and had to go to the doctor then everyone would know what terrible things he did to me. After the first day I found my own hobby to do up until I was 16 but that story is for later.
One day it was different my mom told me to go with my cousin on the four wheeler ride. I declined it and my cousin said it would be fun and the next thing I know I was on the four wheeler heading to our spot again like always. And the same old story on how it’s for school, the same thing happened like always. My mom was helping him on molesting me and she didn’t even know it. I bet if I ask her about it she will 100% deny it and say she never told me to go with him. She has her way on telling lies and making them seem like it’s the truth when it’s not.
I remember when i was about 12 my family was having a birthday we were all going to go to chucky cheeses. i was so excited that day but when it was almost time to leave i was forced to stay in my room without moving or going to the bathroom or anything all just becouse of messing with something that wasnt mine. after they all left i couldnt stop thinking about how i dont get to do anything i want and its not far that everyobr else got fun birthdays and got better stuff then me.
the reason why i didnt ever get to do anything fun for my birthday was becouse it was in the winter and no ones going to want to do anything during that time and since it was really close to chrismas i always had to share my birthday on chrismas so my parents could say that my chrismas and birthday gift were the same. its basicly saying im not worth tue cookouts or the parties or anything compaired to everyone else. i aways hated how my birthday was close to chrismas.
After I was abused when I was 8 I remember starting to get interested on dinosaurs, fossils. I started learning all about them and started to collect fossils. It was the only thing I had at the time that made me feel happy. I would look for hours in the rocks outside just to find a rock with a shell or something interesting in it. I never really told myself it was a way to cope with what happen to me but I think it helped a lot because that was my thing and no one could take it away from me. As I was getting older I learned about the meteor that took them out then got interested in space and dinosaurs and soon had 2 things I was into at the age of 9.
I always have been interested in black holes and what they could possibly do like bring someone to a different dimension, and destroying everything in its path. one day I was looking at some rocks out said and later that day asked my dad if I could go to a dig site and look for fossils and he promised me this every year and every year he broke his promise but never once did I complain about him not keeping his promises. I always did I complain about him not keeping his promises. I always wanted to be a archeologists and study fossils. But as I grew older so did my dreams and the meaning to my parent promises as they were 80% broken when though I kept mine.
The last time I really was interested in fossils and space was when I was 16 after the incident with exposing myself to my nephew because that day I knew that nothing was worth doing anymore because in my mind is that. I got in trouble for exposing myself and not doing anything else and got in a lot of trouble when my cousin was able to make me give him oral sex and get away with it for 8 years. But there was even one more time but before with someone else that rode my bus when i was about 12yrs old. i was currious about what my cousin was doing to me so me and a child around the age of 8-10 years old would sit together as freinds at first but this experiance happned for only 4 months i belive.
but we both were intrested in our privates and would hide in a coat since it was fall so we could always put the coat over our heads so no one could see. so we experimated in sexually acts. i didnt know it was really bad back then. i knew it was a private thing that people dont go around shgowing but didnt know why at the time since no one told me about why stuff was private and why certain things were bad. but as for right now i wish i could take back everything back i did to that kid and my nephew. i wish that i could end my life sometimes thinking that the problem would go away even tho i dont know if they remember it or not.
I still have certain feelings about that kind of stuff but the thing is i belive its becouse of what my cousin did to me making me thing its ok to do even tho i know its wrong. i just wish that i could stop feeling certain ways about people. i think touching or doing stuff to childeren is really wrong and would probably kill someone if i caught them doing that to some child. but as my feelings go its more towards the anime ones as long as its not relistic or anything like that becouse i would kill myself before ever looking up that kind of stuff of real life photos. and everytime i do look at a nime version of a person like that i still feel bad after lookinhg at them but i know its not as bad as going out and acting on those feelings.
i think thats why i want to help kids so that no one could ever hurt them again and it could help me break my habbit of looking up those anime photos as i know something like that isnt tollerable in a foster home. but ultimatly i would like to work for people that helps solve cases on childeren to help them feel safe again unlike how i felt when i was a child all along and scaired and deppressed thinking that anyone can and will hurt me at any time. thats how i still feel tho. i dont consider myself as someone that would hurt a child but im scaired that i might becouse of my past thats why i feel like ending my life everytime i have those types of thoughts but i would never kill myself unless i knew i was about to do it. only becouse a childs life is more valubale then mine becouse they could change the world but if someone hurts them then they might not have that potental again and i would feel really bad and still kill myself. but i dont know if this is a thing or not but if i had to consider myself as something oi would have to say im still confused about everything.
i know there will be negitive comments about that part and understand why and wouldnt blame you…. and peobably thinking why would he want to be with childeren or that girl then if hes afraid that he might hurt someone. and that is answered by if i do hurt someone i would want someone to put a bullet though my head right on the spot as i find even the show svu disturbing and wrong. and i just feel sorry and terribale about everything in my childhood. i even lie to myself all the time saying what he did to me was ok and that everyone has had it happen to them or try going into some sorty of state in my mind thinking it was perfectly normal for someone to do to me.
When I turned 18 I started to get sexual desires and that’s when I realized what my cousin was doing to me and why. At this point I was just starting to realize that when ever I decided to explore myself it felt good so that became a ritual for a month. Even when I was 14 I discovered myself but never knew what was happening so it was more of a game to me and friends and was always gun exploring ourselfs.
Even tho we did this stuff we didn’t have any idea what we were doing and thought it was some sort of fun game we made up. Even then I didn’t realize this was what my cousin was doing as me and my friends weren’t doing anything like what my cousin was doing until I was 18 and learned about sex from school. Then after I was tired of that at the age of 18 when I learned what it was I started to getting into more things that was based around that.
But even before I knew what this was when I was 17 I had a weird desire to be treated like a baby again. I usually bought/stole pull-up’s or diapers from somewhere to feel like a baby again before I was molested. One day I looked this up online when I was 17 and found out there was other people out there like me and this was called ab/dl (adult baby/diaper lover) and this was a way to go back to before all the bad stuff started to happen. But I always had to hide everything as I was scared everyone would hate me because of it.
By the time I was 23 my family found out and I was sort of right they had me because of who and what I am but they don’t hate me as a family member. I’m 100% sure if I wasn’t in there family they would have stoned me and hit me for being who I am. This stuff brought me some happiness but not exactly the kind I wanted and needed as no one knew that I was abused at the time.
After I was 16 I didn’t care about anything at all I gave up on life and school and didn’t care if I was being used for slave work for my parents I just gave up on everything until I was 24 years old when I became friends with a girl named Juliet who is 14yrs old. We each talked about out past and she has almost the same past like me but a lot worse. She had been from molested to getting stabbed to being force to hold a gun to her mama while she was asleep by her father.
And everything that she was forced to do she didn’t do it no matter how bad the beatings and the pain was. It was a really hard time for her that she turned to cutting herself to get rid of the pain and to see if she was able to still feel pain. For me it was smoking and almost giving up on live and ending it all just because everyone cared about what people say about their family instead of supporting the person that was abused. when we heard each other’s secrets and fears and dark stories we helped each other and she got me to stop smoking and I got her from cutting.
When it was my last day ever to visit them I didn’t realize why until a couple weeks later when me and my nephew was by our self I exposed myself too him, and he showed me his and I got in trouble. I didn’t know it was bad or anything back then since my cousin always told me it was ok to do. So after I got in trouble that made my life seem like it’s not worth anything since everything I know could be wrong.
After that day o never visited my grandparents’ house ever again because I didn’t want to see him ever again for doing something that was bad. And that was when I was 16. if you were to ask my mom when it happened she would say I was 20 just so that she can remind me of what I did when I talked about my cousin trying to make it seem just as bad as what he did too me.
we helped each other and she got me to stop smoking and I got her to stop cutting. And saved each other from just ending our lives. We made a promise to not do anything that would harm us so we can be together forever. And decided to make plans to make a group home for kids who were abused by family and to help them until they are old enough to live on their own. I think everyone is thinking that my plan on doing this is a big joke to them. They don’t realize how much this means to me and would die to even get close to this dream. No one will ever stop me from doing this one thing. Even if Juliet has to go back to her country I will fly to where she is and we can still make our dreams happen.
People say that she’s too young to have fallen in love with but it is not love at all its nothing close to love that is bringing us together its passion, commitment, a promise, desire to be together that drives me to doing this otherwise if love is only the reason why we’re doing this then it wouldn’t be worth moving in with her and her mother. This is more than just love
My parents always seemed to be busy to pay attention to anything I did when I was still living with them. But not to busy to force me to do there farm work and to do all there chores. We were always promised to get some money or something in return but 90% of the time it was all lies or that they have forgotten and started making me do some other work for them. Some times I truly believe that they used me just for slave work. But most of the time I just thought of it as becoming who I will be in the future witch I never wanted to follow my parents footsteps into being a farmer. As soon as I was able to move out and could I did it.
When I moved out it was one of the best times in the world because I didn’t have to hide anything anymore I could do what ever I wanted in my own place and didn’t have to watch my back to see if my parents were going to be there watching me for anything they could catch me on. They always liked to catch me on lying about anything but there favorite thing to bust me on was smoking. If they have realized what caused my smoking Mabey they would have carried about my feelings but I never shared my feelings till after I moved out. I have started smoking so I can deal with the stress that work and the past has giving me if I never was subjected to start having sex with my cousin then Mabry I wouldn’t have needed to start smoking.
I started when i was 16-17 somewhere around that age when everything was falling apart on me and couldn’t feel like I could trust anyone. I always wonder what it would be like if I did tell on my cousin and what he did to me from the first time it happened. Would I still feel like how I do now or would I have had a happier childhood. But I am grateful for what has happened in my life and the event or I wouldn’t have learned how terrible life can be. But there’s also some good that happened in my life. I was able to find a girl and to be able to feel like I’m worth something again. If I didn’t find her and she didn’t find me then I could have already been dead by now either physically or emotionally.
There was plenty of time I wish I was dead and did think of committing suicide and was close to doing it to. The only fear I had while getting the rope/knife ready to end it all was the fear of it hurting as in pain. And the thought of it being a sin and going to hell for it. If I didn’t fear any of that I would have been dead by the time I was 16 and when I was 18 and again when I was 23. Those times were really bad times for me emotionally not physically.
I couldn’t stand my life anymore because just the thought on how people use me and abuse me just got to my head. If I could trade being killed or being in a comma for the rest of my life then being used as a sex toy for my cousin then I would have chosen them. But as of now in my life I would have missed out on a wonderful girl who means so much to me that if I would have not meet her she could have been killed already that’s how much of a impact we have on each other.
I remember going to Disneyland with my family and got to ride a plane. The plane was probably the best part of the trip for me. The other times at Disneyland I found boring not because of it being Disneyland but the fact that everything we did was based on what everyone else wants to do. I never got to do anything I wanted to do there. The best part of the place was the animal tree but even then I still couldn’t stop thinking that everything I do is base on what other people wanted to do and to my parents that was called being a normal family. My parents try so hard to be a normal family but there’s no such thing as a normal or perfect family like you see on TV.
All families have problems from drugs to sex to murder nothing is perfect but in there eyes they wanted to seem the like that one family were nothing bad happens. The only time I got to do what. want was when it was time for my school six flags field trip and that was one of the fun times in my life since I was able to go were I wanted when I wanted.
But during the six flags trip I didn’t bring enough money so I had to borrow some money from my ex girlfriend’s mother just to get something to eat. After that I learned to always bring twice as much as what I think I need for just in case something might happen and so far that has always worked for me. I have never gone anywhere without enough money after that day. Another fun trip I remember taking was every year during middle school we would go to a science museum in Chicago I always like that and was able to see alot of old things like fossils and mummies and different artifacts.
Once high school started I thought they still did that but they never too field trips. Until I had to get transferred to a school for the emotionally challenged but it was actually a school for the emotionally insane. They could restrain you no matter what your doing even if your not doing your work and have your head on the desk they would tackle you.
One day at the school it we P.E with was fun in that school but anyways it was a normal day but all the teachers had to step out for something I guess some kid needed help being held down. But as soon as a teacher got back in someone turned out the lights and when the teacher turned it back on I was on the other side of the room leaning against the wall by one of the 3 switches so he came over to me and tackled me on the ground yelling at me saying that ill have to go to in school witch is like detention but during school. But I didn’t go I told them to get the hell off of me,I didn’t do anything, fuck you. But at the end of it I sat by the doors were the bus were to pick us up at the end of the day.
The next day the principal told me she was sorry and that other kids told them who it was so I said I don’t want a sorry from you I want it from the teacher. So I went to my class and asked that teacher if he had anything to say and he said no so I told him that the principal said it wasn’t me and he said ok so i repeated my question to him and he never said he was sorry so I told him to screw off then. I think its funny how his boss had to say it for him. He was always a one eyed jerk. Literally he had a glass eye…lol
i know i talked about all the bad stuff so far but there is some good things i had one good freind that i would stay weeks at a time with and we would watch movies and play games all the time as we got older he moved out of the city and now we only see each other acouple times a year but when we do see each other we would always plan on doing something from playing video games to bowling.
there also have been some fun family things i have done like camping and fishing but as we got older that slowly stopped and now we dont do that anymore. the closes thing we do is a cookout with the whole family. but sometimes that can even be to stressful with all the kids and people yelling. but otherwise its pretty fun going to those as long as no one is having any issues.
i would have to say all my good time were when we were all playing out side and camping. other wise everything else was either working on the darm or in the house or watching old western movies. i always found those boring and most likly fall asleep during it.
if i could change one thing in my life its how i looked at things then mabey i would have understand why certain things happned but what is done is done and if non of those thi g happned to me then i dont think i would have found my best friend ever.
ever since i found out that juliet was roleplaying everything about herself i still feel in love and caring for her. the story about her and her dad wasnt true so i was relived to find out that he never really hurt her. but when i found out what she really looks like and sounds. it ment the world to me so my feelings towards her is even greater now then its ever been even when i found out the photos of her were fake but i was still in love with her. after that day we are still having plans on moving together after her mama’s leg heals. but now a days i get to see and hear her off my phone witch is one of the greatest things so far that we can do.
still to this day o get reminded of my past and what I could have done to protect myself but without the knowledge others had about those types of situations then there is no way to know what is harmful or how I should have felt with the situation. to this day even my dad talks behind my back on how I’m a fag/queer and that I could have prevented what was happening in my live but if that was true there would be no molestation or wars or murders or people like him on earth because then people could decide when to have a baby and know before hand how that person would turn out and ny that logic at least 60% of everyone would be wiped out. so the next time someone says it’s all your fault it really isn’t it’s the parents fault for trusting a child molester because they already knew about it by my dad’s theory.
it’s only a month till I get to be with Juliet and a lot has changed in my life in the last year. I got to understand there’s others like me out there and there’s others that had it worse then me too. but when something happens to you personally it seems like other peoples problems Arnt as bad as yours but it is because everyones feelings is different to others. but since its only a month till I move I’m already sleeping more so the days go by faster so then I wouldn’t have to wait as long. but my parents want me to get a job and I can’t just work for a month and quit because that won’t even be worth it.
This is a life story written by Bigbaby. He send me a message and ask me if i could post his life story on my blog and i decide to do that.
If you want to send him a e-mail or talk whit him on Facebook you find him here: https://www.facebook.com/bigbaby.abdl and his e-mail is bigbabyadbl @ yahoo.com